American Imperialism has infiltrated every facet of Ontario cuisine. First there was Coke and Pepsi, then McDonald’s and KFC. Now the landscape is littered with everything from Denny’s to Starbucks. This is manifest destiny of the Canadian stomach.

Now the Americans are marking the Ontario landscape with silicon and grease – yes, that ever-popular American "family" restaurant Hooters has expanded into Canada.

For those not familiar with Hooters, it’s a tavern style restaurant that only hires gorgeous waitresses and then makes them wear the skimpiest uniforms.

Hooters just opened up right beside where I work in downtown Toronto. Its inauguration sparked great hoopla and media attention, so much so that you’d think it was the first Hooters in Ontario. It’s not, there are three others, but they are all in the ‘burbs (North York, Brampton, Nepean).

For the first couple of weeks Hooters had their "trainers" standing on the streets greeting people and naturally posing frequently in our daily tabloids. Trainers are seasoned Hooters professionals, who also happen to look like Pamela Anderson (a Canadian girl, by the way).

Apparently, the trainers teach the recruits (waitresses) what colour bras are allowed ("nude" or white only), what undies to wear to prevent them from riding up (nylon is supposedly the best), and how to deal with the female customers and over-friendly men.

Like many Yankee chains that came before Hooters, this restaurant appears to be a huge success. Each day there are huge lines of rowdy university students and sheepish business men (it’s in close proximity to Toronto’s financial district).

Every day on my way to work, I walk past it. The hostess smiles and beckons me to "come hither". Finally, last week I went in – my first time at a Hooters. I managed to convince a female friend to accompany me, all my other friends being too intimidated by the larger-than-life Hooters’ girls.

I was most impressed at their reasonable prices. It’s darn-near impossible to find cheap food and beer in this part of Toronto and being the consummate cheapskate, this is a definite asset. Okay maybe that was not the "asset" that most impressed me. Surprisingly, their food is not bad, but undeniably greasy.

Contrary to Hooters’ claim to being a family restaurant, there were no families there. Maybe Americans take their children to places like this, but it just doesn’t happen here. When a few highschool kids on a class trip were caught patronizing this so-called family restaurant, they were all promptly suspended. Calvinist morals still run rampant here in certain segments of Ontario.

Interestingly, there were more women customers than I expected, about 10%. Nonetheless, as my dinner companion pointed out, it is male dominated environment, sort of like a frat for middle age men. The kind of place where men slip a few rungs down the evolutionary ladder. There is an omnipresent smirk on the male clientele, obviously enjoying not only the scenery, but also the leave of absence from their wives and girlfriends.

This male camaraderie was evident when some guys at the table next to me offered me their unfinished plate of wings. I didn’t take them up on their generous offer, but the other table next to me was only too happy.

Overall, it was an underwhelming experience with my primary observation being that Hooters is loud, greasy and artificial like other aspects of American culture (Hollywood, Vegas, Taco Bell, Backstreet Boys, etc).

While you can partake of "food" at American restaurant chains when you need to get that quick bite to eat, Canadian chains are in many cases much better.

I won’t say our restaurants are authentic, because there really is no "authentic" Ontario cuisine – we eat the standard North American diet. So if you’re travelling around the province and you’re looking for some place to eat, here are some chains which I recommend.

Swiss Chalet
A favourite here, their rotisserie chicken is well loved and they also offer ribs and other chicken dishes. Prices are cheap and service is prompt.

Laura Secord
Named after a War of 1812 heroine, this chain is famous for their ice-cream and chocolates. Their truffles are out-of-this world good, and always manage to serve to get me out of the doghouse with my wife.

Second Cup
Not as trendy as Starbucks but their normal coffee is infinitely better and doesn’t have that burnt, ashtray taste. Furthermore a medium coffee is called a "medium", not some pretentious, society ass-kissing term. They are also the second largest coffee chain in North America.

Casey’s Grillhouse
Overall, this chain of roadhouse style restaurants are pretty good, but where they truly reign supreme worldwide is in their nachos! While researching an upcoming "Nachos of Toronto" article, I’ve eaten many a plate of nachos, and I can honestly tell you Casey’s nachos (chainwide) are by far the best!

Two other similar roadhouse type restaurants are Kelsey’s and Montana’s (same company). All these places combine generally good food with popular bars.

Tim Horton’s
Inarguably, the best donuts in the world! I’ve extolled the virtues of Tim’s in past articles. Suffice to say, you get not only a serving not only of delicious deep-fried pasty, but also of Ontario culture.

Harvey’s
Forget Mickey D’s or Wendy’s, the best hamburger chain is without question Ontario’s own Harvey’s! Real hamburgers (with no sawdust filler like McDonald’s supposedly uses) are flame broiled in front of you and you choose your toppings, making your hamburger indeed "a beautiful thing". Also they now have the best veggie burgers and my wife says their grilled chicken is "tender and excellent". The first one opened in Richmond Hill and now there are over 374 across Canada.

Beaver Tails
Fried slabs of dough shaped like a beaver tail (hence the name) smothered in butter and a choice of toppings, such as maple, cinnamon and sugar, jam, etc. Originally only in Ottawa and area, this delectable dough is now spreading out to locations worldwide.

Nickel’s Restaurant

Okay I’ve never eaten here, but this chain is owned by Celine Dion who’s known to make appearances at her 50’s themed rock ‘n’ roll diners. Near, far, wherever you are, hurry on in…

Arrow Group
A small group of pubs featuring pub grub with a Canadian twist with such things as bison burgers, poutine, and dishes made with Ontario produce and cheese. They also feature an excellent assortment of Ontario micro-brewed beer. Locations in Toronto, Ottawa, Guelph and Peterborough. The Toronto location, the Bow and Arrow, is a favourite of my wife and I. On Sundays they host live music, drawing famous Canadian Celtic performers such as Ashley MacIssac, the Rankins, and the Bara McNeils.

Honourable mentions for other Canadian chains, Mr. Sub (our version of Subway), East Side Mario’s (Italian pig out), Red Devil (bbq), Shopsy’s (delicatessen), Lone Star (Tex Mex), Pickel Barrel (various) and Robin’s Donuts.

While the glory and grease of American chains like Hooters may draw crowds of Ontarians, we are not defeated yet. Ontario chains (and individual restaurants as well) offer in many cases better quality and local culture, though probably not as much silicon.

At 1,068sq. km, Ontario is Canada’s second largest province. Our northern tip is parallel to Sweden, while our southern tip is parallel to California.

Ontario is 1,600 km east to west, half the span of the United States. So needless to say, seeing all of the province can take a lifetime.

Northern Ontario comprises most of the province and is, for the most part, wilderness. In summer, this means some of the best camping in the world. In winter, I wouldn’t even think of going there.

Southern Ontario is where most people live. It’s the industrial and financial heartland of the province (and Canada). Much of the cultural attractions are in this area.

Ottawa is the national capital and as such is the centre of Canada’s political and cultural scene.

Toronto, the provincial capital, is North America’s fourth largest city. With over 100 different ethnic groups, it is considered the world’s most multicultural city.

I went to see Mamma Mia (the new Abba musical, which Toronto got before Broadway). It is one of the most fun times I’ve ever had in a theatre. Come to Toronto to see it. You’ll love it; you’ll sing and dance along.

Here’s a sample of some of the festivals occurring soon:

The Stratford Festival in Stratford, Ont. is the largest classical repertoire company in North America, presenting Shakespeare and one Broadway classic (the money maker, I presume). Everyone’s favourite RCMP officer, Paul Gross from TV’s Due South is doing Hamlet this year.

The Shaw Festival, running all summer, is the only repertory theatre in the world to specialize in the work of George Bernard Shaw (and his contemporaries). I’ve always been impressed by their presentations.

Ottawa

National Gallery has an impressive French Impressionist landscapes exhibit. I went to see this with some hesitancy (it costs $12), but I ended up rather enjoying it. It may be tacky, but dammit I like Monet! (June 2- Aug. 27)

Peterborough
The Canadian Canoe Museum presents "Great Canoe Rendezvous 2000" – songs, puppets, an entire festival devoted to the canoe! Only in Canada, eh! (June 15 – Sept. 12).

Toronto
Wedding Bliss 2000 – Philosophical lothario Jamie and vampish impresario Victoria tie the knot at the do-not-miss-event of the year!

Elora
Music Festival – Classical music and some superb choral work. Some of the concerts are performed at the Elora quarry and in old churches. (July 17 – Aug. 6)

Orillia
Laugh with Leacock Festival of Humour – at the Stephen Leacock Museum (July 23 – Aug. 3)

Collingwood
Elvis Festival – I went to this last year and I’ve been talking about it ever since (read last year’s article). It’s way too wacky and weird, but tons of fun. It’s the largest Elvis event outside Memphis! There’s an Elvis impersonator contest, Elvis memorabilia, a street dance, midway, and get this, the “World’s Largest Elvis Parade”. (July 28-31)

Ontarians obsess over the weather. Come share our obsession and find out the climate of places like Wawa and Moosonee.

About Me
I suffer from a fatal case of wanderlust. I currently live in Toronto, but I am from Guelph, ON. I have also lived in Ottawa, Key West, Florida, and Stuttgart, Germany.

I also write travel articles for Canadian Geographic Online, plus keeping a day job as a web developer. See my portfolio for a good laugh.

Check out my past articles for some further weirdness…